Please Post My Bail This Christmas

Let it be known to all that I truly hate Christmas in Los Angeles.  Bah-mfn Humbug.  Not only do I live in the most superficial, self-serving city in the US, but now I have to deal with superficial, self-serving people spreading fake-ass holiday cheer and if I don’t go along with it, then I’m the one who’s being a Grinch…

I didn’t used to be bitter, (here comes the ghost of Christmas past).  When I was a kid, I would go with my pop to find a Christmas tree and watch him set it up, trim it and count the minutes to when my sister and I could decorate it.  The house would smell like pine, my pop would throw a couple of logs on the fire and we would watch, “A Charlie Brown Christmas”, “Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer”… and eventually argue about something.  And “something” usually meaning my dad doing all the tree work while my stepmom “supervised” and pointed out the tree’s flaws to which my dad, naturally, had no control over.  Still, it was home and my favorite part of it all was sneaking out of my room after everyone had fallen asleep, turning on the tree lights, gazing at the Christmas tree, and breathing in that pine smell.

But as I grow older (welcome ghost of Christmas present) the tree turned to plastic, compliments of Costco, the TV specials air in the first week of December (WTF is up with that?!) and I am corporately obligated to attend the company Christmas party and “schmooze” with exec’s that don’t even know my name while my fellow trench diggers bury themselves in alcohol and take inappropriate pictures.  I don’t get toys anymore even though I still like them.  And all the people who don’t live in L.A. that come here to visit family, just add to the traffic of my already f’d up daily work commute.  Oh and don’t get me started on the diarrhea of advertisements and commercials for “gifts”.  It makes me want to go postal…oh and F the post office at Christmas too.

So now, I’m waiting for the ghost of Christmas future to come.  And when he does, I’m going to kick the crap out of him for all the commercials, fake Christmas foliage and Holiday company parties he didn’t tell me about when I was a kid.  Nice timing you asshat!  You’re about 20 years too late and if you tell me that Christmas is going to be even more jacked up in the future, I’m going to convert and become Jewish.  Mozeltov bitches!  And if you can feel me on this, than this one is for you.

Blink 182 “I Wont Be Home for Christmas”

Outside the carolers start to sing
I can’t describe the joy they bring
Cause joy is something they don’t bring me
My girlfriend is by my side
From the roof are hanging sickles of ice
Their whiny voices get irritating
It’s Christmas time again

So I stand with a dead smile on my face
Wondering how much of my time they’ll waste
Oh God I hate these Satan’s helpers
And then I guess I must have snapped
Because I grabbed a baseball bat
And made them all run for shelter

It’s Christmas time again
It’s time to be nice to the people you can’t stand all year
I’m growing tired of all this Christmas cheer
You people scare me
Please stay away from my home
If you don’t wanna get beat down
Just leave the presents and then leave me alone.

Well I guess it’s not cool to freak on Christmas Eve
Cause the cops came and arrested me
They had an unfair advantage
And even though the jail didn’t have a tree
Christmas came a night early
Causes a guy named Bubba unwrapped my package (hot damn)

[chorus]

I won’t be home
I won’t be home for Christmas
I won’t be home
I won’t be home for Christmas (please post my bail)

~ by Sejik on 12/14/2009.